2 May 2024
Banthe tells me not to expect anything when I practice meditation, but it's not easy to keep going if I feel like I'm not making any progress.
This is more or less how it went. I sit on the couch, back straight, eyes closed. I try to find the spot in my nose where the breath passes through, and I try to focus on that. I can't find it. I start to think "I can't find it," and as I feel my stomach and lungs rise and fall with my breath, I think "maybe I should focus there." But I try again with the nose. I want to follow Banthe and not do my own thing, at least until I've honestly tried to follow the instructions, seriously enough to say "I've tried." I can't find the spot, and I think that I can't find it and that I'm not meditating well. I feel frustrated.
Banthe suggests noticing the point where the inhalation ends and the exhalation begins. When I try this, it seems like I'm interacting with the breath, no longer just an observer, and this makes me lose concentration. I tried counting as Banthe suggests, "one one..." as the air comes in, "two two..." as it goes out. This seems to work, it feels like I'm bringing my attention back to the breath. It's all "seems," I'm not sure of anything. I didn't set a timer, as I usually do and as Banthe suggests, because I want to try to keep going until it feels like it's working. I continue like this for 29 minutes. Coffee break, then I try again for another 7 minutes.
Yesterday I thought I had identified the spot in my nose where the breath "hits," today I'm not even sure of that anymore.